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Don't Twist My Words! (Humor)




The Firpo Files Flashpoint
by Firpo Carr

November 30, 2015


"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.  This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.


1.      When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.


2.      A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.


3.      When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.


4.      The batteries were given out free of charge.


5.      A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.


6.      A will is a dead giveaway.


7.      With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


8.      A boiled egg is hard to beat.


9.      When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.


10.  Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.


11.  Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?   He's all right now.


12.  A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.


13.  When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


14.  The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.


15.  He had a photographic memory which was never developed.


16.  When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.


17.  Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.   


And the cream of the twisted crop:


18.  Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.




"Dis"-honorable Mentions


1.      Let's keep teenagers in China and other Asian countries healthy. We don't want any mild illness to lead to sickly euthanasia.


2.      You're a ten when healthy. When your bladder's full urinate.